Your worst memory.

I used to date this really short girl. Let’s call her, WW. WW and I used to be classmates in high school and that was how we first met. We started by talking a lot and I used the advantage of her not knowing many people in the school as she was new, to approach her first.

I remember being assigned to wipe the whiteboard clean with WW and that was how I took a step closer to her circle of friends. It was always nice to stay close to her. My heart pounded harder against my ribs at each second having my head close to hers. As she was (and still is) short, it was always nice to hug her because her head would automatically snuggle in the warm embrace of my chest, which she never failed to compliment its bulkiness. She has always liked my chest and I liked the fact that a cheerleader, a new girl in school would actually like something about a nobody. I have always liked talking to girls more than guys because I feel that conversations between opposite sexes are more intimate and involves a deeper level of understanding, compassion and fulfillment. WW and I used to chat a lot. I still remember how I felt like whenever she would send me a message. It doesn’t have to be one that announces ‘You are the love of my life!’ or ‘You are the best person on this planet!’. A simple ‘Hi, what are you doing? :)’ would really cheer me up back then. I guess this was due to the fact that it was my first ‘real’ relationship with a girl. Was I in love? I wasn’t sure. Was I infatuated? Hell yeah I was! That’s when I started to try to become what the internet perceived as the dream of all girls. A nice guy. A super nice guy. So nice that we would be the ones who get hurt at the end and that was precisely what happened. During breaks or PE sessions (physical exercise, which no schoolboy should ever miss!), I would stick around with her and offer her my melted yogurt bars. She liked yogurt bars. Bear in mind that it wasn’t just during breaks or PE sessions, even in class I constantly tried to be as close to her as possible. I felt like I never wanted to let my eyes leave hers, her huge glistening eyes and her innocently cheery smile that always left me so wonderstruck. 

Before we officially split, there was a period of torment. I call it, ‘the cold shoulder’ period. A week of being in a relationship but not actually feeling like it is one at all. It hurt so badly that I stayed in perpetual darkness for six long months. I mourned in class, always had my head down on my table during most classes, with the hood of my jacket concealing the sad, pathetic relationship newbie beneath it. I felt like there was no more purpose in life. I felt that any relationship would bound to be destroyed by a cheerleader apparition who hovers above me, sucking out any faint hints of security within me. Thus, leaving a trust vacuum between any girl and I, who just wanted to not feel alone anymore. 

I have forgiven her already and vice versa, for I vocally abused her, cursed her for having felt that she played me like a toy. I wouldn’t say she didn’t but who cares right now. One should not dwell on the past. One should not feel lonely whenever alone. I guess that was the biggest mistake I made, to think that to feel whole you need to be in a relationship, that you need to love someone and have that love reciprocated. You don’t need to love someone else to feel whole again. The only person you should value the most, is you. 

Thank you WW, for having taught me how to love myself through heartbreak.

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