Sometimes halfway through writing a post, I feel that I should write about something that’s worth knowing. Something that actually matters in the world, among us and among others. Something like Kenya’s shooting or Germany’s upcoming election. Journalists do it best. They inform us about noteworthy incidents. They tell the world things we wouldn’t know ourselves. They educate us at the same time remind us how small we actually are in the world.
I’m not like that at all.
I try to be but it never turns out great.
A friend named Zahir once told me after a meeting that I tend to deliver speeches about myself. He told me it was a good thing to the club because I provided insights of my life to my club members but I thought otherwise.
Hearing that made me realize I am bloody self-centered. Or at least it made me feel like I was. I really don’t know what to think of myself. Do I really care about myself only? Am I just that selfishly oblivious of the people around me?
Maybe I am. If so, so be it. That would be the harsh truth. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’ve been trying so hard to change the way I think due to all the guilt I’ve been feeling for being egocentric. Every time when I click the ‘publish’ button, I pause to watch the bar load all the way to the right and muse for a moment…
“Am I really that important?”
“Do my thoughts matter to the world? To the people around me?”
This is me feeling lost. Hoping to be found soon.
Screw being found, I’ll find myself. One day.